A single thread of hope while trying to conceive (TTC) is often all I have to keep my sanity. Sometimes I feel like there is a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. The devil tells me to give up and allow my fear to take over. But the angel tells me to keep holding on and overcome this hurdle. But how do I hold onto a single thread of hope despite life’s curve balls?
Driving in my car alone allows my thoughts to run wild at times. I want to throw in the towel and scream with tears in my eyes “I can not do this anymore.” Each month that passes by and my period arrives is a punch in the gut. The wind is slowly knocked out of me as the realization sinks in that once again this is not our month. Despite this devasting blow month after month, there is a single thread of hope for me. That is the fact my period has arrived without the assistance of medications like birth control pills.
This always amazed me when my periods were irregular, and I would be prescribed birth control even though we are TTC. Instead of getting to the bottom of my issue most doctors wanted to give me a period artificially. I bled but rarely ovulated, so birth control was a waste of time. And the hormonal monster I did not need in my life on top of my existing obstacles. Although I try to have more of a positive outlook I often wonder will I ever have a baby of my own in my arms.
Will I ever stop feeling ashamed or less of a woman because I struggle to give my husband and I the one thing we desperately desire? The one thing we would give up every material possession for if it would miraculously give us a child or bring back the child we lost. To keep my husband and me up late at night for one reason or another. A little rainbow miracle to look into my eyes and make this painful and challenging journey worth it in the end. Because if I am honest, I don’t see it as a possibility as often as I would like. If I’m entirely transparent life feels so unfair at the moment and makes it a challenge to see it as a glass half full instead of half empty.
I feel negative when someone complains about their kid(s), and jokingly or not say they wish they could give them away, I so desperately want. Or if someone asks “when do you plan on having children?”
“Well Nosey Nancy I planned on having children a long time ago, but my body seems to hate me, any other questions you would like to ask?”
Doesn’t make me feel much hope when I know I need it. I NEED to be in the right mindset, or things will feel worst. I beat myself up often. But being negative or blaming the world for what I am experiencing will not put a child in my arms any faster. But it is okay for me to get angry and vent from time to time. It is okay for me not to be okay and let my feelings take over. I have every right to say, “today is not a good day, and I need to be alone.” My single thread of hope sometimes come from me just holding myself together for a day or two.
Struggling to conceive can cause so many yo-yo emotions even though you are trying to hold your sh*t together. Has anyone told you how brave and courageous you are? If not, then look in the mirror and say it to yourself. You are strong even when you are unsure where that strength comes from until you have no other choice. I know it is hard to remain positive and hold onto a single thread of hope when it seems as if life is using you as a punching bag. Believe me; I know that feeling well.
I feel like quitting is the smart thing to do for myself mentally, emotionally and physically; that my thread of hope during my fertility journey is not enough to make me want to persevere. But being the kind of woman I am I don’t like to be easily defeated. Throwing in the towel and entirely walking away is not an option. It is not fair to myself or my husband to not give it all we got. It is also not fair to my future little one. Who is already loved dearly and has not had the opportunity to experience our love yet. The kind of unconditional love that comes from heartbreak, sadness, miscarriages, failed fertility treatments and enough ovulation and negative pregnancy test to fill an entire bathroom or two.
My single thread of hope comes in a variety of different ways. My hope changes from time to time, from circumstance to circumstance. Hope comes from family and friends who have struggled with fertility. And are now proud parents to beautiful and healthy children. From family and friends currently struggling with this burden and share similar stories and support to remind me I am not alone. A single thread of hope comes from my husband who loves me and is on this journey with me as well; who is optimistic and believe in his heart that one day we will be parents. And from quotes that resonate within me at the right time.
People say the best things come to those who don’t give up. So here I am not giving up and holding onto a single thread of hope. Holding onto hope even though it is a hard thing to do when you’ve been hoping, praying and wishing for so long but you know you owe it to yourself and your partner to give it one more try. I am not alone, and you are not alone. I feel your pain, your struggles, your wants, and needs.
Hold on to your thread of hope that one way or another your miracle is coming. And all of this will seem like a distant nightmare that turned into your happily ever after. There’s one out there for us all. It gives me hope to hold on to my dream for just a little while longer. My single thread of hope comes from choosing to believe that my rainbow baby is coming once the ravages of this storm pass. It means that beauty will appear in the midst of darkness providing a light of energy and hope while dealing with the aftermath of the storm.
If you haven’t already done so, I recommend you find a single thread of hope that keeps you fighting. Your fight can be anything you long for and does not have to be a fertility battle. Find a single thread of hope that does not allow you to give up. I know it’s not easy and downright difficult at times to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hell, it sometimes feels as if life is unfair and some unseen force is out to make you miserable. But you are stronger than those negative thoughts.
You are tougher than you think you are, you are not a quitter, you are your single thread of hope even if you haven’t realized it yet. You’re still standing, you’re still pushing on, and you are your own biggest cheerleader. So don’t let her down. Continue to show up and show out.
From my healing heart to yours,